


Outside Looking In

by uhpockuhlipz



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Fix-It, my specialty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 10:45:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10013879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uhpockuhlipz/pseuds/uhpockuhlipz
Summary: A canon divergent fix-it fic for 2x14 wherein Kara sleeps with Mon-el and realizes that she's trying to be with him for all the wrong reasons. She leaves him sleeping and goes off in search of someone to speak to about it, which turns out to be Lena Luthor for some reason...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes canon does bad things and the best thing we can do is create an alternative where things feel less icky. Love y'all. xo

Kara lays awake in the aftermath, staring up at her ceiling as Mon-el snores quietly beside her.

 

She’d thought it would be different, being with someone she couldn’t hurt. That somehow not having to worry about breaking him or giving herself away as an alien would somehow make sex more… _more_. It wasn’t bad. It would be unfair of her to say that, unfair to say that it had somehow been lacking. No, saying it was bad would mean that Kara had felt much of anything at all, but she hadn’t.

 

He’d enjoyed himself and Kara… well, she’s good at faking it.

 

And now she’s just laying here counting her own breaths, her own heartbeats, wishing it all away.

 

She hates that he’d stayed. She hadn’t invited him to. He’d simply finished, kissed her cheek and her forehead and her lips, and then rolled over with a heavy, satisfied sigh. She wishes he’d gotten up and left. It would have been so much better, so much simpler. Maybe then she could have slept. Was it selfish to wish him gone? Maybe she’s selfish. Maybe there’s something wrong with her and that’s why she can’t… why this isn’t…

 

Kara exhales sharply and closes her eyes tight, trying to focus her hearing elsewhere so that she doesn’t have to listen to his steady breathing or his slow, even heartbeat. Maybe she can just… pretend him away.

 

She focuses past the quiet rattle of her windows, past the whistle of the wind that moves them, past the cars with their honking horns and cranky, tired late night drivers. It’s past midnight and she finds herself listening for a specific heartbeat, one she knows now, one that has offered almost nothing but comfort since the day she’d first heart it start to race in her presence.

 

It isn’t racing now. It’s steady. Not at rest, but steady, which means the owner of this heart is still awake. And from the direction it’s coming from, she is not awake at home.

 

Kara floats up silently from the mattress, not looking in Mon-el’s direction as she dresses in her super suit and heads into the dining area of her studio. She pushes open one of the wide windows and slips through without looking back, only breathing once she’s out in the night air, alone. Somewhere he cannot follow. The fact that it’s relief she feels first makes Kara feel guilty and she pushes herself faster to compensate, hoping the quick flight will somehow erase all thoughts of this night from her mind.

 

She aches, but it isn’t in the pleasant way of romance novels or movie scripts. No, she hurts to her marrow, a bone-deep exhaustion she just cannot shake, not even with the whip of the wind around her.

 

When she lands on the balcony at L-corp, she wonders what had made her listen for Lena’s heart, what had made her come here. Going to Alex would have made more sense. Alex, who’d probably felt this same feeling of inadequacy and sadness every time she’d been with a man. Alex, her sister, the one person in the world who understands all of the different parts of Kara. Alex, who is probably tucked into her bed with Maggie, asleep and completely at peace.

 

No, she can’t wake Alex.

 

And when she peers through the glass and spots Lena sitting at her desk, back to the balcony, Kara thinks that maybe Alex isn’t the only one who understands what it is to feel alone even when surrounded by other people.

 

She steps forward and taps lightly on the glass. She doesn’t want to startle Lena, but she doesn’t just want to stand here watching her like a creep either.

 

Lena whips around and their eyes meet through the window. Kara offers a small smile that Lena returns, though her brow creases and she looks… concerned. “Come in,” she says, and she doesn’t raise her voice, but Kara hears her clearly. Inside her chest, her heart cartwheels and starts to beat just a little faster. And Lena’s, she notes as she pushes through the balcony door, is doing the same. Is she afraid? The idea that she might be has Kara hesitating, but Lena motions her further in.

 

“Close the door, would you, Supergirl? It’s a bit chilly tonight.”

 

“Oh, right. Yeah. Sorry.” Kara closes the door, sealing them into the quiet calm of Lena’s office. It’s honestly so relieving that she sighs and lets her shoulders drop without thinking about it, blue eyes closing. The only light in the room comes from Lena’s desk lamp, dim and yellow, casting strange shadows between them so that the whole encounter seems almost otherworldly.

 

“You look troubled,” Lena says quietly, leaning back against her desk with her arms folded across her chest. “What’s on your mind?”

 

“I...” Kara exhales, the sound inappropriately shaky considering who she is right now, who she’s supposed to be. She fumbles her words and tries to regain that Supergirl persona, hands falling onto her hips, but it feels slippery. Unsteady. She can’t quite get a grip on it through the waves of emotion that are purely Kara Danvers’. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come,” she mumbles, turning for the balcony again.

 

But Lena moves surprisingly fast for a human, her fingers curling around Kara’s wrist as her pulse beat, beat, beats beneath her fingertips.

 

“Kara,” she murmurs, offering a sad smile when Kara whips around and stares at her. How does she know? She _can’t_ know. God, Alex is going to _kill_ her when she hears. But Lena is only watching her, soft and quiet, her thumb brushing softly across her pulse, and Kara can’t bring herself to lie right to her face.

 

“How long?” she asks, and Lena only smiles.

 

“From the beginning.”

 

“You didn’t say anything.”

 

“No, I didn’t,” Lena agrees, still watching her. “It wasn’t mine to bring up.”

 

Kara watches her, steps closer. “You aren’t mad.”

 

“No.” Lena laughs then, soft and sweet. “I’m not mad. But I am worried. What’s got you so upset, Kara?” Lena steps in close, reaches out to brush the thumb of her free hand down the center of Kara’s forehead, smoothing out the crease there with a feather light touch that nonetheless makes Kara’s breath catch. “I hope you know I’m… I’m here for you, always. Just as you have been for me.”

 

The silence that falls between them is brief as Kara considers her. And then she nods, shoulders curling forward now as she wraps around herself, cradling her elbows in her palms.

 

“There’s something wrong with me,” she whispers as Lena guides them to the couch, sitting beside her as she had all of those times before. There’s no playful smile now, though. No good-natured teasing. She just watches and listens as Kara explains what she’d done, what she’s feeling. She trips over the words, flushes as she tells Lena about Mon-el. And though Lena shifts slightly, though her expression flickers with something Kara can’t read, she doesn’t pull away. She keeps Kara’s hand in hers, fingers tracing her wrist and palm and each fingertip while Kara pours out her heart.

 

When she starts to cry, choking sobs of frustration and suffocating loneliness, Lena wraps around her and hugs so tight that Kara can almost feel it. Her hand strokes through Kara’s hair and she lets herself sink into her, face pressed to her shoulder, fingers gripping her blouse.

 

“There now, sweetheart. I’ve got you,” she whispers, rocking Kara gently as she presses a kiss to her temple. “I’ve got you, Kara. It’s okay.”

 

“I should be happy with him,” Kara breathes, pinching her eyes shut so tightly that colors burst behind the lids. “it should be easy. It should feel good. What’s _wrong_ with me?”

 

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong with you.” Lena draws back and cups her face between her hands, thumbs brushing Kara’s tears away with an aching tenderness. “You can’t force yourself to love someone, Kara.” And Kara nearly laughs because oh, those words certainly sound familiar. “And no one can force you to love them. Your heart wants what it wants and there’s no helping that.” The smile Lena gives her is almost rueful as green eyes trace her features. “It sounds like he’s just… not the right one for you.”

 

“No one ever has been,” Kara mumbles.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean...” Kara pulls back and rubs her hands over her own face, trying and failing to hide the blush that creeps into her cheeks. “I’ve never been… you know. _Into it_ with anyone before.”

 

“Into what? Sex?” Lena tilts her head, a little playful now, and Kara knows she’s trying to lighten the mood a bit for Kara’s sake. “Why, Miss Danvers, are you saying you’ve never been horny in your entire life? How dare you.” And the way she says it is just so ridiculous that Kara laughs and Lena joins in. Kara leans into her side and lets her head fall onto her shoulder and Lena sighs, fingers slipping through blonde curls again. “That’s okay too. Not everyone is.”

 

“I thought maybe it was okay, back when I thought Alex felt the same way. But ever since Maggie...” Kara trails off, shaking her head slightly. “She’s like, sex crazy now, and I still don’t… You know why I thought I liked him that way? Or why I wanted to?”

 

“Why?” Lena asks softly.

 

“Because when we were just hanging out and joking around, it was… nice. We could laugh and have fun. He could be sweet. And he’s around, even though he drives me crazy like, ninety-eight percent of the time. He’s made it clear from the start that he likes me and I just...” Kara closes her eyes. “I’ve been feeling so alone, Lena, and he was there and he wanted me and I thought if I just… If maybe I could make myself feel…” She doesn’t know how to explain and a sound of frustration escapes, muffled against Lena’s shoulder.

 

“You were trying to make him happy and hoping that doing so would make you happy too. But relationships can’t work like that, you know? It’s only going to make you feel… well. Like this.” Lena gives her side a little poke and Kara squirms, hiding her small smile against Lena’s shoulder. “When you’re with someone who truly makes you happy, Kara, they make you better. You make each other better. Neither of you has to change to make the other happy because what you already are is… it’s everything that makes them love you.” Lena pauses, takes a deep breath, closes her eyes. Kara listens, enraptured, her head lifting from Lena’s shoulder to watch her as she speaks.

 

“When someone loves you, you’re already enough,” she murmurs, looking to Kara with a soft smile. “And they’re enough too. They make you happy just by being. Does that make sense?”

 

“Yes,” Kara murmurs, her eyes on Lena’s. “It makes a lot of sense. Are...” Kara swipes her tongue across her lips and looks away, fiddling with Lena’s fingers. She hadn’t even realized she was holding her hand until now. “Are you speaking from experience, Lena?”

 

“Sort of,” Lena murmurs, and Kara can feel those eyes still on her. “But it isn’t mutual. Or if it is, it isn’t the right time for it. She’s got some things to sort out on her own.”

 

Kara nods slowly, eyes still on Lena’s fingers. “She’d be crazy,” she says slowly, “Not to feel the same way. I hope she tells you that some day.” She smiles at the quick _bah-dum, bah-dum_ of Lena’s heart. “When she figures things out.”

 

“Me too.” Lena leans in and presses a kiss to her forehead. Kara closes her eyes at the warmth that spreads through her with the gesture. She’d never felt this… content with Mon-el. This cared for.

 

Only with Lena.

 

They stand together, fingers still tangled, Kara’s own heart feeling so light that she thinks she might float straight up through the atmosphere as soon as she’s outside again. She doesn’t want to go, but Lena’s right.

 

She needs to be alone for now, to sort through her feelings, to deal with Mon-el. But eventually…

 

“Goodnight, Supergirl,” Lena murmurs, releasing her hand at last.

 

Kara watches her for a moment before smiling, wide and full. “Goodnight, Lena.”

 

And when she takes off into the night, her heart is filled with something new. Something that beats with _hope, hope, hope._

**Author's Note:**

> As per usual, the tumblr is @proudlyunicorn


End file.
